It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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