Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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