He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
