Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
