I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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