I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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