No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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