yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
