i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
