I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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