i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
