She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
