So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
