You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
