You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
