the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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