i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
