i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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