yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
