I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
