do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
