They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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