We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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