We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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