So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to calm my uterus...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
