...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
