I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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