I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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