we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
