someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
