quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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