you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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