I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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