You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
