im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
