i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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