that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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