The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
