I'm gonna have a badass scar
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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