If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
