i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
