my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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