I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
