It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
