Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
this will be a night to untag.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
