i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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