My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
