i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
