tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
