someone threw a dead crab at me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
