my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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