Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
