just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
