I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I feel like abortions should bother me more
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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